Improving My Social Skills

     I really don't know what to do or how to act when I'm in an unfamiliar place. I'm either mute or obnoxious, and I never know what to say. I'm very awkward. Sometimes I try to cover up my awkwardness by being louder so people can't tell. I plan to learn about and get to know everyone and make friends this upcoming school year (2026-2027). So I needed to fix this yesterday, but I don't know why I struggle with talking to people; it's easy for everyone else. 

    When I leave a conversation with someone, I think over and over that I said that was too much of my personality showing. I really don't think anyone cares that much because everyone is probably thinking the same thing about themselves.

    When I find someone interesting, I become a little bit obsessed with them, and I try to learn more about them. That could come off as weird, or it may just be my perception. Sometimes it feels like all I am is thinking about all the odd things I do. It's not really about embarrassment; I love doing "embarrassing things." It doesn't really affect me much when I do so. I'm not really one of those people who find everything embarrassing, but I do jokingly say that's so embarrassing. Would love to have a friend of my own that I can be myself around. Jealous of the people that say that they have childhood best friends. Love being myself but hate being lonely when everyone has someone. I crave a deep friendship so bad.

    To the topic about friendships, I do have friends, and I know things about them. But I just feel like everyone else is closer with each other than I am. I also struggle with being myself, and that's probably why. People are so much closer because they can freely be themselves with each other. I just need to get myself to that point too. But I also think my peers are closer with each other because they are able to hang out and grow friendships outside of school. I'm just not able to. I need to stop spending my money and start saving for a car so I can hang out with my friends and do other things.

    I know a car will fix most of my worries right now. I would be able to drive to school, work, or anywhere I want. But I've been driving to work recently with my dad's car, and I have also been going to the store. I just want to go places and hang out with my friends freely. I realized I am missing out a lot.

    I went to my friend's sweet 16, my parents thought I was at work, but I drove there. I know it's bad. But since I'm going to a career school next year, I just wanted to see everyone. Seen some of my classmates, and  I realized that when people talk to me, I try to find ways to escape the conversation when I don't know what to say. That makes people think I don't want to talk to them, and I get that cause if I was talking to someone and I could tell that the conversation isn't being reciprocated, I would leave too. That's why I have to start understanding social cues. 

    But all this to say, I think it's all in my head. Need to stop overthinking everything. I'm just going to learn to speak more and add myself into conversations. Just got to lock in and get out of my head. No one is really worried about me either cause everyone is thinking about themselves. Need to be myself that will help me to be my best self.